He said finals are more important than getting stoned on 4/20. I'm proud in a disappointing kinda way
You asked me to be the big spoon, when you passed out on the stairs
You slow danced with your carpet steamer last night.
Whoever was the last to get in from the chinese firedrill had to pay the dealer.
You were trying to swim on the floor while eating a hot-dog bun and laughing about how much you hate bread and didn't understand why you were eating it..
I just duct taped myself into my costume. I apologize in advance if you find me in a compromised position involving duct tape and underwear when you get home tonight
So our trip to Disney World ended in the three of us stripping at a gay club in orlando.
He deadlifted me and I came just a little at the apex
There's nothing more awkward than going on a beer run with 3 ten year olds....teacher of the year right here!
Your vagina felt like having sex with thanksgiving mashed potatoes. The best kind of mashed potatoes
So how do I get back in good graces for trying to trade you for superbowl tickets?
Officially the best daughter ever. I just restocked my parents alcohol that I stole last night AND ADDED TO IT
You chose shitty college football over this pussy and my cute little mouth. That's your fault.
excused from jury duty. THAT hungover...
She’s super into those renaissance faires. But, if you can’t actually stab anyone, what’s the point?
Randomize
