There's nothing like puking in the airport on the way TO Vegas. Something tells me i pregamed a little too hard.
I probably shouldn't have followed up that rainbow sherbet with beef jerky. This is a whole new level of fat, even for me.
Today the house voted to defund Planned Parenthood but to continue funding NASCAR. I fucking hate everything.
You demanded I give you a glass of water, so I set it down in front of you and you knock it over and roll in it..,
I wanted to be a dolphin.
Nope. If I'm going to drive an hour to fuck a teacher, it will NOT be missionary thats for damn sure.
If I EVER wake up with two black eyes again you better come up with a better story than trying to see how many punches I could take.
I'll be gone when you wake up but you hit a girl so I knocked you out. Never hit a girl. Unless it's with your penis.
I think I just wrote a poem about your penis but it was totally unintentional.
If it makes you feel any better, I had my finger up some guy's butt today... Dominatrix training, ya know...
Can we pretty pretty please go to Mardi Gras tomorrow? I promise I'll be a good girl and not puke in a pledges car
It really does creep me out though that the next ten years will involve my friends creating smaller versions of themselves because to be honest I don't know how much I like some of them. So that thought it really scary
My roommate just google searched "cumming blood" using my laptop. Her boyfriend is in her room, she looks scared. Words cannot explain how hilarious this is.
i found 4 slices of pizza in my toaster, and a can of unopened soup in my blender.. wtf?
He woke me up at 6:30 to have sex again and afterwards, he didn't even judge me when I asked him if he wanted some rum. I think I found my soulmate.
I should never have to text my best friend asking if she eloped again last night.
Randomize
