Apparently oprah and I were in competition to see who's ass could get bigger this summer
I am watching the symphony and have decided that violin players probably give really good hand jobs.
Try denying you're gay when "I'm Not A Girl, But Not Yet A Woman" comes on Shuffle.
That's the last time you call me to prove to some girl at a bar that you're English. It's bad enough that you actually get to fuck them because of it without having to wake me up to seal the deal.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I feel like I took a shit on my life and you're rubbing my nose in it.
my boobs are worth more now than the blue book value of my car.
I may hire someone just to sell my family the drugs they keep asking me for. It's cutting into my doing drugs time.
And I might get them triple pierced after that
Damn, I didn't realize you'd declared war on airport metal detectors
at work, .. 47 yr old boss was in a fight. 2 BLACK EYES. I may get fired. I cant stop laughing
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
All i hear is "BITCH BETTER HAVE MY HONEY" and i turn around and there is a dude in a bear costume. It was fur real.
True freedom is running around a sex club in former power plant in Berlin wearing a boots, a jock
Side note, from now on any snap chat I get that isn't interesting enough... Is getting a dick in response. Judge your snaps accordingly
Just got a ride from a stranger while walking a mile home as it hailed with no coat. He asked me if I smoked, then said he just made some potent cookies and I could have one.
The cookie was what I originally wanted to tell you. Always say yes to drugs from strangers
It's Reggie from Taco Bell, send me a pic.
You really need to stop getting injured so often it's really starting to negatively impact my sex life. Oh and get well soon. . . no seriously though hurry the fuck up.
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