First thing she said after sex was.. are you baptised by chance?
yeah...it smells like an asshole would smell if someone ate sewage.
i just googled "what is oprah really like?" how do YOU think my night is going?
He looks like the kind of guy that still collects pokemon cards
It's a good thing i didn't end up pregnant...i would have had to figure out his last name.
Just read my long term horoscope. I'm not gonna get laid for another 2 years.
The only good thing about this is that the pharmacy guy will stop trying to add me on Facebook.
The only way I can describe the noise he makes when he has an orgasm: dying walrus.
seeing two freshman taking a cab home at noon on a Monday makes me realize how much worse my life choices could have been
after further investigation i found out he's a little bit married..
my friend thinks you're hot & wants to fuck you ps i'm my friend
Woke up to my asscrack filled with melted Reese's Pieces. Halloween parties are so weird here man
I sent him a cookie cake that said "Congratulations you're not a father"
High. As. Fuck. I thought the kid next to me didn't have an arm for like 2 hours.
Hahahaha I'm glad you woke me up with this text.
Can you pay somone's bail with a credit card or just cash? I feel like you would know this.
Randomize
