Tip for today: never try to fart and swallow at the same time. You'll end up choking on whatever you are currently swallowing and shit yourself from the freakout of choking.
Dude, she looked like the Canadian Slam Poet, neck hair and all.
I woke up wearing a cow costume. I'm not even gonna try to recall what happened last night.
Don't upload the drink o meter to your google calendar. Somehow binge drinking looks even worse with a time stamp.
He passed out naked in my bathroom, then took a shower, then passed out again and then took another shower. Last time I let my brother visit.
My Valentine's Day plans just drastically changed... My F buddy just ran into my gf...in my driveway.
He walked into the pizza shop... Pulled the fire alarm.. And proceeded to dance to it...
It makes me really sad that some people start their saturdays running or biking instead of with 3 shots of tequila, a sausage biscuit, freaks & geeks and 2 orgasms.
You are my mentor.
I drank wine out of a protein shake bottle last night. You may want to rethink that statement.
I got laxative. And a toothbrush. Because who wants to buy just laxative on a Friday night?
All I want to do is shower, but there is a keg in there.
I need time to grow out my leg hair and not be sad anymore
Any sexual interaction is meaningless without pizza during half time.
Her four year old daughter walked up to me grabbed my junk and said "this will be in mommy later." Wtf?
While I'm here in reality dreaming of catching chili cheese fries with my mouth out of t shirt guns like Jesus is real