Awww my brother is growing up soo fast!! He just gave me the, "I know you're high but I won't tell mom n dad" look!
I got so many pubes stuck in her braces that when she yanked her head, I cried out like that one girl you "accidentally" rear-ended last week. Bald spots are battle scars.
you didnt remember my name all night. you kept referring to me as "the blonde with the fat ass"
Agreed. Everyone should experience a blackout before 3pm in their lifetime.
These Attractive Criminals Got Modeling Contracts After Getting Arrested
So I realized I'm not completely sober when the automatic toilet flushed and I screamed
Thats why you have fulfilling relationships with nice girls and i have kinky sex with crazies
Just saw out breathalyzer tubes from last night on the side of the road. Glad the cop let us know that they are biodegradable
If you would give me the chance we might have the two separate pieces of the greatest fuck puzzle ever.
Not sure if this is better or worse than the discovery that bourbon and hot chocolate is a viable combo
This Girl’s Unbelievable Catfish Story Will Make You Rethink Online Dating
I hate that you live in a gated community. I feel your guard judges me every time I go to your house at 3 am an leave at 5am
I swear I can feel something in my uterus. Like, I can feel his sperm searching for an egg. Wtf...
Seriously. Texted me 4 times and that didn't wake me up so he nicely called and left a voicemail saying he WOULD call me 8 times. So when he called back I answered.
I just hooked up with the same bartender my dad cheated on my mom with in the 90s. Not sure how this makes me feel.
family traditions my good sir
Dude I was walking down the street and threw up in a plastic cvs bag. Tequila wins again.
The hospital waiting room is starting to become a very familiar place to me.