I changed my mind about Tim Gunn. I like him now. Mostly because he said someone's dress looks like a gay t-rex. Or something.
By the end of the second bowl I was making sound effects to every hand movement he made.
honestly, magaritas are the void men can't fill.
You can now add 30,000 feet to the places where I have puked
No shame. Just smoked a bowl with a Norwegian. Feels like something to cross off a list.
Have you ever straight up just taken a bite out of a block of cheese? Because it's amazing.
You high fived me for banging your sister but lock me outta house bc I ate your pumpkin pie? Priorities bro
All the girls at the party had American flag thongs on... Pretty impressed with coordination seeing as how impromptu this event was
As a general rule, drunkenness and gymnastics do not mix.
I'll be gone when you wake up but you hit a girl so I knocked you out. Never hit a girl. Unless it's with your penis.
And then he serenaded me with "Pimps don't cry" from 'The Other Guys'. If that's not love I'm not sure what is
I found her face down on the kitchen floor asking anybody who walked by for Kraft Dinner
One singular head for man, one giant climax for mankind
There way too many people in that club who have had their dick in me
It’s bad enough my brother slept with half of the sorority this year, but now he’s lifeguarding at the club and every divorcée and cougar in town is asking me for his number. My twin is a manwhore and I’ve become his pimp.
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