Last night was epic. Hooked up with Emma Watson, found twenty bucks, and then passed out on my floor.
No you didn't. You drank unbelievable amounts of 151, passed out in someone else's bathroom, and we carried you back to your floor. Nice dreams though.
We argued about the championship during sex. Absolutely the manliest moment of my life.
I guess you don't realize how much twelve bags of chips are, until they're all over your floor.
I was thinking of baby names while I was giving him a blow job
Of course, you get to fuck all night while I'm stuck in the girls bathroom sucking a limp dick for coke
I don't go on dates. I watch tv and play with dicks. dinner is a situation.
You will receive a large, large reward, worth much more than the actual phone you are holding, paid not only in cash but in sexual favors, if you return this phone! Please respond if you're interested in cash/sex/or just being a good person. Thanks and hope to hear from you soon!
she sent me a picture of dilf asleep in bed with the caption "what happened last night?"
Dude. There are selfies on my phone of me, wide-eyed, sucking my pillow. We did NOT split that bag 50/50.
I'm just going to eat my milkshake, watch teen wolf, masturbate, and lament my inability to form meaningful relations with men who aren't gay
I think I might start referring to your vagina as a separate being now
I plan to try out my new vibrator and watch Star Trek: The Next Generation. It's a busy night.
Just stalked the girl I hooked up with last night's boyfriend. He seems nice, I approve.
QUIT STEALING MY PHONE AND SEXTING MY MOM!!!!
Just think how much she’ll hate me when she finds out I fucked her father
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