bar tonight had a doorbell to get in and last night i saw my neighbors fuck on the balcony, she wore a nurse outfit. Missouri isn't so bad...
As of this morning, vodka still has the other side of my BFF necklace. She treats me right.
We woke up next to each other with a mutual look of disgust, and then he left. I knew I should have gone for the younger brother.
i get tired of guys telling me there married or they have a girlfriend. they act like it concerns or matters to me
you left him a drunk voicemail of you singing speechless by lady gaga balling your eyes out
He's prob getting laid right now and I'm sitting alone in my duct tape shoes.
I almost punched the night nurse in her face. I woke up and she was standing over me.
I puked in the revolving door and had to sit down on the escalator. That hungover. It's safe to say people are judging me.
He was the only guy who ever made me cry..
Who, the park ranger who made you dump out your beer on the beach?
I think I'll handle my grief by throwing myself headlong into lesbianism. Seems like a fitting tribute to you.
So yeah, don't be alarmed when you come home after work to find me eating cookie dough out of a margarita glass with a knife and watching The Little Mermaid. It's been one of those days.
I think I have a bro crush.. When I imagine him, I imagine him waking up to go take a shower and just finding three bitches making out waiting for him. Like that awesome.
I need to sleep so I can die properly tomorrow.
I am luring the porn star to my house with chicken!
I'm legitimately the first person in the United States to successfully shave their balls with a Razer Blade of a sword and fully admitt it. I'm honestly smoother then a 10 year old.
Randomize
