Instead of having sex, we spent the entire night making pillow forts and have sword fights. I think I'm in love
Now go wash the fat girl off your hands.
i shall enjoy my approximately 2 hours of being sober today
My fuck buddy took time out of his date with his girlfriend to text me happy Valentines Day.
A stranger just came up to me and asked why I hadn't texted him, and if he was just a one night stand. I live for these moments.
is it weird that I didn't think he was hot last night when I was making out with him but right now I'm Facebook stalking him and think he's really attractive??
your beer goggles are on backwards.
Things I learned last night: 1. Bacardi 151 is a one-way ticket to the toilet, 2. It is possible for a human being to turn into Mount Vesuvius
How do I know I'm high? Let me count the ways.
1. I put the milk in the cupboard, 2. Everything tastes fucking amazing, 3. My dog is really soft, 4. The lunesta butterfly flew out of my tv and touched me
Some guy wearing a horse mask just knocked on my door and started whinnying. I opened the door and he was like, "...oh sorry, wrong room..." so awk.
All I saw was a purple blob and poking out from under was part of a green shirt. Took me a minute to realize it was him under that beast.Thought I should ask if he was actually breathing and conscience but then I saw him slowly exploring what few brave men have done before.
He said the pain stops when I get my shit together and stop being a drugged out alcoholic mess. Could have just said no.
currently working on a look that screams, "I'm dead inside, but still trying to enjoy the ride"
I spend so much of my life shaving my body hair off and I want nothing more than his beard in all my hairless places.
Wish me luck on my new penis adventure
can we do this tomorrow? ...i accidently got high.
Randomize
