It was like my butthole was peeing. Felt comforting yet not fulfilling.
why would she cut her hair? she needs all the distractions possible from those texas-sized gums and horse teeth.
Went to mcdonalds... Wishing I could throw up the last 20 hours of my life.
I just caught myself doing the gator chomp to my tv. I need to get laid.
This whole situation could've been avoided if you would've just let me open the beer
Holding a cold bottle of mikes hard lemonade against my pulverized taint....this is my Sunday night
When we were eating pie last night, I dropped some, and not only did you not judge me for far surpassing the 5 second rule, you let me use your foot to sock mop with. You're a good friend.
Downside to Halloween: you can't tell if the guy dressed as Gene Simmons from KISS that keeps flirting with you is hot or not...I decided to err on the side of caution and assume not...
alll i remember is comming back downstairs, his pants were off and he was aplauding me
Yeah we invited her back for chicken nugget sandwiches
You also spilled beer on my dog and tried to wipe it off with a paper towel but he kept getting away from you.
Haha idk you were stealing pizza dough at dominos
I'm good. But Nutella doesn't taste as good as it used to.
Dude, I'm sorry if you saw me getting head in my truck last night. My bad.
He is married, and has a regrettably large penis. I need to find another one right away to get myself out of this mess.
How big does a penis have to be before it becomes regrettably so?
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