I bet the first cavemant to make fire got so much pussy
Found a waterbottle filled with a bloody mary in my purse this morning. Blacked-out me is always trying to help hungover me, it's so cute.
worms taste like bacon by the way.
I always wondered what they tasted like.
You found Muppets From Space a little too intense, so you just sorta sat on the ground and stared at the wall plug for an hour and a half.
You told him how lucky he was to be an elephant and kept trying to grab his "trunk"
Another one? Damn, how many David's is that?
six.
Oh, I thought it was higher.
No, that would be the Matt's
She calls me Shortcake and bites my ear. Trust me, I'm FINE with bein the secret lesbian lover.
You screamed for campus security to do something about the police officer who dumping ur 40
i love you man. i hope we fuck some serious shit up this summer.
I was in a competition with shots tonight...shots won.
Obviously last night's theme was "Let's Make Bad Life Choices"
I took an uber home at 6am. Went to Santanas, apparently they don't take american express. So the uber driver bought my burrito. Success!
I woke up to him crying and pouring pixy stix in my mouth saying they would bring me back to life.
She was talking about how a garden gnome was hitting on her the whole night. We thought she was just that high, but turned out the gnome was that guy in the weird hat.
I am just High Enough to train A-Team of bodybuilding squirrels MMA techniques to tear you asunder. And it's not that I want to is just don't you make me do it!
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