I haven't been laid since Bush was president.
But never have I ever had sex with a dirty talker before, so it was something else, to say the least. I signed up to get laid, not play Penthouse Mad Libs.
Wow, you know I need to stop drinking alone when I pour my drink into my hand and offer it to my dog,
My mom asked what the mark on my neck was - I told her I burned it with a straightener.
She believed that the monsterous hickey on your neck was a burn?
well, not really. but then i reminded her that my sister has yet to take that pregnancy test and she conviniently forgot about my hickey
I'm too afraid that I'm 1. Banned or 2. Gonna be noticed by the lady bouncer I punched.
Dude so coolest charity idea ever, think aids walk but instead of miles you drink beers oh the possibilities
My booty call just put me down for a reference for her job at the hospital. What am I supposed to say? She gives great bj's?
He is asleep with his dick hanging out of my my little pony pajamas. I am required to wake this man up by blowjob
Your sexual fantasies often terrify me but get a pic
Dude she's from Moscow. I feel like I'm cheating on America.
I walked in and found you petting your fish outside the bowl, you said its fine, you do this all the Time.
The guy I hooked up with two weeks ago just friended me on Venmo, I honestly won't be mad if he pays me for the sex
I couldn't figure out what was more important, finishing the shot or putting out the fire on my leg.
I miss my bedroom and my bed and being able to spray myself with my choice of 15 different perfumes so I don't have to wake up to the smell of my past sins
You barfed off the front porch while the elderly neighbors were walking their dog. We had to convince them not to call 911.
Pics or it didn't happen.
I just realized this morning that my fridge is stocked with coronas, hot dogs, and cheese dip. And I just got waxed. High-five, your best friend is on track to be all kinds of slutty fun this wkd.
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