so you know how i got laid the other night? well a condom just came out of me and i dont know whether to be grossed out or happy
i am grossed the fuck out
just because you dressed up as a brontosaurus doesn't mean you can poop in my yard and roar at my neighbors
Jake just asked if thanksgiving was an american thing...I left the table
Xanax and allergy medicine look a lot alike when you spill them on the floor. Just saying that I still have allergies but I'm unsure if I still have legs
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I was the last girl at the bar last night. It was like a battle royale between 10 guys.
I'm drinking screwdrivers in the pool naked. Call 911 if I don't check in regularly
When I eventually hook up with a resident lets refer to it as taking a hands on approach to my job
I told him I tried to eat a stranger's sandwich while I was drunk. Mildly disappointed but he realizes he has me for a kid.
I'm not breaking up with him because his husky is having puppies.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I hope you have irresponsible drunk insurance because you're about to pay a deductible
I'm slacking. We've been hooking up for months and I have yet to bang him while he's wearing the clown mask.
I'm 4,715,723% sure I don't give a fuck.
You whispered 'For Frodo', handed me your shirt, and charged campus security.
I woke up with leftover chocolate syrup on my nipples. WTF happened last night??
Look. All I'm saying is that if the USWNT can win a shit ton of medals and have two gay love stories with happy endings, there's still hope in this world
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