You asked the waitress for a vasectomy and handed her a butter knife, like you were ordering something from the menu
i just saw a guiness commercial where the guiness was on the verge of spilling the whole time. i was on the edge of my seat scared shitless. im an alcoholic.
I literally saw him try to open a beer can with his anus. We need o step up our game.
Just found a peacock feather in my car. Should I be the least bit concerned about this?
My weekend will be all about the double d's, desert & debauchery
When you wake up, just ignore the mess in the bathroom. I'll take her home when I'm off work.
well I tackled her when she was going to go upstairs because I was convinced that the house was haunted. You gotta stick together in horror movies.
Nothing like drunkenly buying a pregnancy test at 8 am to get out and realize your nip was out the whole time.
This girl I interned with got engaged today and I'm just like over here taking plan B with my tacos and PBR.
HAPPY AIDS-LESS FOURTH OF JULY YOU HEALTHY FUCK
I forgot her safe word. It was a rough night.
He sends me pictures of his dogs and I send him my tits, it's a win win situation
Remember that guy that walked around our house naked with a boner wearing nothing but his winter coat? Well, he has a kid now.
I've never been so excited to be bleeding from my vagina.
All I remember was you telling him there was something behind him so he would turn around and you could slide down his carpeted stairs on your belly without a shirt on. How's that carpet burn btw?
Randomize
