I am I'm going to have heart failure he's peed on my life.
I will come over but only if I don't have to take my sunglasses off for it
I will return your cat, I saw a mouse in my apt last night and your door was unlocked, it seemed really practical
my life is one jail cell away from being a bad country music song.
She was surprised when she saw all our living room furniture was made from old kegs. It's like she's never met us before...
First coke bust down the road. Spring is finally here.
And I was slip and sliding my life away on a giant tarp with tons of soap and bitches. Priorities man, priorities.
I gave an inspirational speech to a bum and called a bride ugly at her wedding reception.
is it weird that I didn't think he was hot last night when I was making out with him but right now I'm Facebook stalking him and think he's really attractive??
your beer goggles are on backwards.
I GOT A VENDING MACHINE FOR OUR LIVING ROOM
Fuck you come back. The old guy next to me is complementing me on my great choice of ring fingers,
If you die first, I'm going to sleep with a pallbearer at your funeral.
I would do everything over again, except the fireball.
I knew you were cut off when you tried to order a "Phil Collins"
We can use the Mac n cheese as the potatoes in our breakfast burritos. Problem solved.
Randomize
