He ignores my calls like im some kind of stalker chick
Ive only called 5 times
Pls don't use the words alligator, purple, and sperm in the same sentence ever again.
Have $25 to my name but it's $2 pitchers. I have no choice but to go.
I haven't shaved in at least a week, he said "obviously neither one of us was prepared for this"
He said "ride me pocahontas" while I was on top of him last night
You were hanging upside down on the subway with your feet in the stirrup handle bars. the children were amused.
A surprise thumb up the ass and I'm wide awake. She was right, no need for caffine pills I could fight ninjas now.
This hobo said he can't buy alcohol bc he got in trouble bc a girl sat on his face when he was passed out and misaligned his spine and gave him Alzheimer's so Ali is buying him a bottle. This is Vegas.
I SHITYOUNOT DAN JUST PUNCHED A DEER IN THE FACE. MID LEAP.
Also, don't forget your plan to die young at a shrooms-fueled orgy.
Come on kid, foreplay is elementary stuff. It's a vagina, not a sphinx.
On a scale from 1 to banned, how offensive do you think it would be to wish my vibrator happy Valentine's Day on various social media outlets?
Sent him a nude and I forgot to crop out the Jesus picture in the background. The Catholic guilt is too real.
So after we found out he wasnt throwing up blood in was just hawaiian punch and we all failed breathalyzers the cop drove us around like a taxi and brought us back to the apartment
Went home last night with that hot British guy. Sounded like I was f-ing in a Harry Potter movie.
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