My dad just sent me a text telling me to "say hi to all the luscious bitches" at the gay bar. Guess this explains my childhood
So I pulled my t-shirt down, pushed my boobs up and marched right into that church!
Isn't the perk of being in a relationship not having to put in effort for sex?
she just built a cabin out of hotdogs and cooked it in the microwave.
now she is shaking the plate and mumbling "this is what california must feel like"
Real friends wouldn't let me shotgun a 4loko after already seeing me trying to eat a girl out through her jeans.
I hijacked a bellboy cart and rolled into the party dancing on it
What are you doing and how can I add sex in there
He asked us to wake him up with a strobe light. We had it going in front of his face full power for half and hour and he didn't even blink.
I tried to talk to him, but he didn't recognize me at first. I had to show him the top of my head and then he remembered.
If that's all it takes to cure your hangovers then you need to drink more.
I just realized now that you're pregnant we can't use alcohol as currency
Apparently the cops had to handcuff me in order to get me to come with to the hospital with them. They asked me if I had had any experience with handcuffs before and I replied, "Only in bed." What a life
I'm texting you know although you won't get this until you wake up. the only reason you are strapped to your bed is because you were trying to fly out your window.
when i woke up w mysterious sticky crap in my hair, i assumed i had another blackout hookup. nope. turns out i made PBJ and proceeded to pass out in it. i ate the evidence when i woke up.
Do thigh high boots and a ball gag count as a costume?
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