My BOSS just pulled out a box of Christmas stuff labeled reefs.
It's Friday afternoon and I'm drunk. This is how I cope.
we were sitting on his couch watching tv and laughing at how funny the voices on the commercial were, then we realized the volume wasn't on.
Woke up naked wearing mismatched earrings. Didn't even make it to the bar.
I'm venturing to your corner of this sin house in t minus 2 minutes.
OMGGG I JUST SAW A REAL OWL JUST CHILLING ON TOP OF A SIGN POST. I WALKED UP TO HIM AND SAID HOO HOOOOO AND HE TURNED HIS HEAD AT ME AND WAS LIKE YEAHHH BRO
I'm responsible for my client's overall well-being. Which is terrifying coming from someone that can't stop masturbating and eats leftover pizza just about everyday.
apparently my new 420 ritual is to look at the clock at 4:20 and realize i'm already too high
I taught her to play Monopoly. She sold me her bra to keep from going bankrupt.
No, it's cool, I just bounced from the hospital. I was...talking to a security guard, maybe?
Um ... did I have a lizard on my shoulder last night at the bar?
So, my eyeglasses somehow ended up in my nightstand drawer and they're covered in lube.
You're my best friend, so I'm kinda scared to say this, but.....I kinda feel odd when I show up with you at your family events and I have banged or blown at least 3 people in the room
I boned my sugar daddy for the first time yesterday and now I know why they say guys in their 40s are the best. Also I’m getting a car.
I hate being the first one to text him all the time...I feel like Iook desperate to get laid when the reality is that im just really horny and he has a/c...
Randomize
