just accidentally masturbated with tiger balm. best. accident. ever.
In the airport and just saw a little boy put his head in his mother's crotch... I guess he took a whiff because he backed up and said loudly, "mommy your pee-pee is stinky!"
you'd think with how big her nose is she'd have a better smelling pussy..
Ok I can't be your drugdealer AND booty call AND friend. It just doesn't work that way
Just filled up my pledge keg goblet with coffee at bp. They can judge all they want. At least I'm not killing baby dolphins.
still in the ER. she tried to shotgun a bottle of corona
I can't tell which way is up. Too many corners around his house too. An arbitary assimilation of edges.
Christ, I swear you are the high man's Dr. Seuss.
He's a cat fanatic .. That was not in the fine print when we started fucking
His penis smells like laundry I just wanted to cuddle it
Got high with dad and hunted squirrels in the basement. Is this seriously what my life has come to?
I literally was just rolling on the ground and said to her 'this is what dying looks like'
You know how I know she's ugly? 97% of her profile pics are flowers or animals. And what do we know about pretty people and the Internet?
He's like a father figure to me, except we have casual drunk sex every now and then
I'm running late...how do you explain period shits to your boss?
I'm good. Got my nipples pierced and threw my back out. 🙌
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