I was just making a list of the girls i have slept with and i can't remember your sisters name
part of me always dies a little when i go to the "2 women seeking 1 man" section in craigslist's casual encounters to find nothing there. it's tragic
After throwing up, the toothpaste tasted so good. Thank you for not letting me eat it.
You really need to get over the whole "jail" thing. Its really not that bad.
We need to tone down the drinking before our 7pm class. I don't remember receiving any of these handouts.
Hey to make you feel better about last night, I just shit my pants.
The saddest thing about graduating is that we won't have free access to STI screening anymore
I just folded my boss's lingerie. I need a drink and a raise
Meanwhile she's getting her law degree and I'm dropping Cool Ranch Doritos down my bra because I'm laying down eating on the couch
Best line overheard at the bar: "This is the last time I'm shaving my ass for him...I mean we just broke up".
You are the only person I know who has a fierce hatred for a five year old. Not even five year olds in general, yours is very specific
MIDGETS
????
He started saying the pledge of allegiance so his boner would go down. Merica.
Last night I went outside to our neighbors and asked them to put in money with me to get a hot tub for our patio. Niceeeee
On a scale of 1-10 I’m at biblical violence
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