Who said anything about talking that was a booty call
Just made out with a pet sitter. His biz card says "even hamsters". Lowest point in my life.
I told him I was pregnant. Figured it would soften the blow of telling him I had herpes.
Did it?
Not as such, no.
We fish bowled my car and anna told us a story about time travel and part of it had people melted into the side of a boat and i imagined them being melted into my car moaning in pain and then we got scared and thought zombies were outside and couldn't leave for a while.
Sometimes I look at the people in school that are obviously very diligent and on top of their studies, and then I wonder why they don't smoke weed.
You called me and said "Aidan's unconscious" to which he said "I'm conscious, I'm conscious pilot"
He was filled with the holy spirit. And vodka.
Add caroling to the list of things we need to do in an elevator
The most adult decision I've mad today was Jameson or Fireball? It's been a successful Day
You just missed an honest to god bukkake
I still can't believe a guy pooped in my backyard
I woke up at 3am, top off, with campus security telling me to get dressed. Tonight was a GOOD NIGHT
it's 1:30pm and i'm eating cheese while i sext. i need hobbies
Going on a coke binge the night before your appointment with your therapist (to talk about your sex addiction) is prob not the best idea.
I'm sorry I missed your birthday brunch. If it makes you feel any better I woke up wearing someone else's toga and a sombrero
I feel like I haven't slapped your ass in years. This will be awesome.
Randomize
