Why the fuck was there a shirtless Mexican in my apartment this morning?
You know its bad when you can over hear the planned parenthood nurses talking shit behind your back... they've seen everything
just peed in the tub. didnt notice the passed out drunk guys there until a minute in
You can do it. What doesn't kill us just drives us to drink
I have no idea. There are 6 asians singing hey soul sister to me right now.
Today is definitely a "stand over the toilet and pee through the opening at the bottom of my boxers" kind of day.
I guess the silver lining is that having a big dick really comes in handy when you're hungover.
It's a mixed blessing.
Half of my brain feels like I donated it to science and they basically just poured jack Daniels on it and put out cigarettes into it before returning it to my skull
I'm literally 40 minutes from where I was supposed to stay. I woke up in a parking lot.
We need to get fucked up again and play games like "save the tequila but dodge the knife"
I asked you for a cigarette and you handed me your phone and told me to search for one
Who is this? I have a text from you last night telling me your name and to train hard for Tuesday, please make this make sense
He just peed in the cab. I repeat..IN.
He eats kale on the regular. Do I look like a bitch that wants to eat kale. No. Give me some Boston market.
I thought I was at a rave until the paramedics started chasing me. You win again tequila.
I'm just going to tell you this I knocked up your girlfriend. I didn't mean to I thought it was somebody else I wasn't drunk but it was dark.
The truth is better her than my wife.
Randomize
