I just peed or puked all or around my parjibgb lot.
parking. I am not drunk
i just caught my roommate coming out of the bathroom half naked with a surge protector. he told me he didn't wanna talk about it.
did you hook up at the wedding?
No but I jerked off on the hotel sheets. I wanted to get my moneys worth.
coulda been worse. everyone in the drunk tank got free mcdonalds breakfast
i think you ate grass..but you refused to open your mouth so we could see..
then he asked me if i wanted to "handle his wingman"
Just found out they make medicinal lollipops, bought like 40 of them. Gonna go fill a pediatricians lollipop bowl.
about 90% sure I fell off a roof. It hurts BAD. Don't suppose you're still in town?
yup haha I infact DID fall off a roof. Want some bomb ass omlettes?
I was too drunk to remember throwing up so i probably didn't learn my lesson
It's getting to the point where my ability to get dick pix during the work day is impressing even me. Take that, adulthood!
woke up. showered n got ready. had sex. and was still 15 minutes early to work... its gonna be a good day!
I'm not fucking any of these fools. But if they want to buy me Olive Garden, that's their business.
You came into the club around midnight with a carton of tropicana o.j. & said you were starting a revolution.
We turned his nipples into a drinking game.
IT'S MY BIRTHDAY. I SHOULDN'T HAVE TO DRIVE 3 HOURS FOR BIRTHDAY SEX.
Randomize
