i have a feeling he has a nice dick. i can just sense it.
Keeping my bail papers as a souvenir from when I was arrested. Too weird?
Even if he doesn't call, at least I can say i fucked a mascot.
we were going to warn you, but we veto-ed that idea somewhere between "this is the stupidest thing we've ever done" and "let's order a pizza"
Nope. She just screamed at me "YOU WERE A FAILED ABORTION" and "I'LL PUT ANTHRAX IN YOUR PILLOW YOU LITTLE FUCK". Best mother award ever
the only human I can compare her to is rosie o'donnell.
Instead of medicine they should just give ecstasy. Also I'm tingly and can't find u guys. A gay man just said he loved me... :( / :)
Why would you fall asleep? This is why i cant drink with my lesbian friends anymore. They take my clothes off and get vodka in my top ramen. Only yoouuu can prevent forest fires.
Turns out lunch break sex with someone you cant stand being around for any amount of time just makes you wish you had gone to get tacos like you originally planed.
He turned me into a screamer. Guess I'm really not a lesbian.
After we had sex he told me it was a "goodbye gift". We haven't talked since.
There are both cum and chocolate stains on my sheets. Can't decide whether this is a new low or a new high.
Eating power bars and masterbating... That's kinda my life right now. Is this what having a boyfriend means?
Comedy Central is in dire need of more sitable faces late at night - Trevor Noah has a baby face - there are federal rules against those types of sexual fantasies
you thought the best thing to say to him was "you aint no fuckin cop"
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