I'd rather watch my mom take a shit while reading the sunday new york times than watch mama mia .
I woke up covered in my own vomit with a pocket full of napkins. I guess I knew I would need them, but was not coherent enough to use them before passing out.
HER PREGGO ASS BROUGHT SPEGHETTI-O'S... IN HER PURSE.
Maybe you should go over there and lead him on and reach down his pants like he's about to get some and yank his balls.
That's the best idea I've heard all day.
Pretty sure I went to the bar in my bathing suit, sweat pants, and high heels.
he came over wasted, used the bathroom, drank some water, and fell asleep holding my hand. what kind of a fuck buddy does that??
She was so morning drunk she asked the lady at brueggers for a bandaid and my self respect back
After a certain point, you just want to make it work. Prove to yourself that you're smarter than the vibrator.
By the time the opening band finished, she was already slurring, coming on to the gay couple next to us, and waving her panties in the air.
Hey remember that spam cooked in dr pepper we made? 10x better when the dr pepper is rum
I guess she fell asleep at the strip club and the other one was crying because she had a vagina in her face. Happy 21st!
Well I smoked some weird shit and I think I peed on my phone.
It's just not St. Patrick's Day until someone pukes on your panties.
Im 76 percent sure I took a fully clothed shower last night.
Turns out naked yoga wasn't a pickup line. I feel betrayed.
Randomize
