Nothings more american than taking a shit with a handgun next to you.
I just had to blow my nose on a mcdonalds receipt in my car. Its time to stop doing coke.
Maybe not, but you have to admit watching him get hit by the car was gratifying
Im sleeping in your bed. Sorry for the sand and the noise and the loud people. Im starving
Your blankets are not drunk friendly
The shit I just took was my body's way of telling me bourbon and mixed nuts aren't an appropriate dinner. Well played, colon. WELL. PLAYED.
The ONE weekend I don't put anything up my nose, and it decides to bleed like crazy
Though my hair looks fantastic i will unfortunately have to turn down your 4am sex offer
So we became Pizza Strippers- we stripped and asked for slices of pizza in return.
Friend as in 'I used to have sex with her' or friend as in 'I still want to have sex with her'?
He's like a unicorn and I just wanna domesticate him
I don't know how to reply to him. 'I'm glad the ecstasy my friend tricked you into taking wore off'...? It just doesn't seem sincere
It was a frighteningly large penis to say the least
Peeing in taco bell cups is part of the fun of going to taco bell
I left him naked in his bed. I did cover his junk with a blanket in case his roommate walked in later though. so I don't feel as bad about it.
Seriously though, I walked in and he was holding my cat in the air singing "the circle of life"...
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