I was high as a kite when I got pulled over by a cop and he asked me for my ID and if I had been smoking weed, I said no and gave him my debit card.
i wokr up in ohio with no clothes. i think someone gave me ecstacy. can you come find me please it's cold.
Today in class was pretty awsome. I dont feel like i have to throw up and im actually paying attention. This is a first for friday
You said "It's ok guys, I know I'm not really a turtle" and then tried walking on the lake.
There're making snowcones with the leftover vodka from last night. This is not the time to be making up excuses!
The underwear in the garbage is clean. Just wipe the pizza sauce off
His new job just became new places to have sex at.
You told me if you could get your shoes on, you deserved a coke and rum. We never made it to the party.
Um...celebrating is an understatement. You flashed the guy at the mexican restaurant and then screamed, "It's just my bikini, I swear!"
I just used a beer funnel to put gas in my car
I'm adopting to save the world from the moral outrage that would be my offspring
On the flip side Weston asked if he could move me to Wisconsin to be his "moto hoe" which is actually a thing apparently
I know I joke about running from my problems a lot but I'm 3 miles off-campus and need a ride
if he becomes president of the united states, I will tell EVERYONE that i took his virginity.
I don't even remember what dignity looks like anymore. I JUST WANTED TO ROAST SOME POTATOES
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