His stupid grin looks like he's mid-ejaculation
I just remembered before I gave him head I couldn't find a hair tie and he offered to hold my hair up. Maybe we were wrong.. Maybe he does have a heart.
Said he made a playlist for taking a shit. only two songs on it are the Star Wars theme and "America, fuck yeah" set to repeat.
She's laying here with her head in my lap stoned, eating Doritos, whining about her boyfriend, and listening to Cher. Fuck the friend zone.
You know how there are wrinkles in your brain? What if they were filled with potato chips? That's kind of how my head feels now.
He wants me to hook up with his fiance while he watches. Text you later with how it goes.
We got hammered last night and I woke up this morning with texts from 'iron maiden chick.' wtf?
You get 5 min
Your time limits don't scare me, I'll include foreplay and redressing in that 5 min. If you wanted to challenge me you should say you got an hour, id be scared then and more creative.
We turned a wake into a bar crawl.
I'm slowly getting to where I don't hate people anymore.
Never mind. Some random dude just walked past me and asked if I was having fun. I snarled at him. I might still kinda hate people.
I recall trading my iPhone watch for a carton of Marlboros.
*goes to show prof a picture* *forgets tit pic is in camera roll*
Why is there a wet sock in my garbage? Why did I chug so much red wine? Why was someone signing into my iCloud account at 4 am in China? Why do I do self-destructive reckless things? So many questions.
I'm not saying I'm planning to hook up tomorrow but I'm also not saying I'm unprepared for it
welp, we watched the human centipede high last night and my mind literally shut down, when i came to all i could hear was mel saying EAT EAT HIS SHIT
Randomize
