Just fucked a hooker at a motel in New Jersey. Two states down, 48 to go.
How was I supposed to know she would get offended when I asked her how long it took to draw on her eyebrows.
I just used cruise control in a 25 zone. When will this hangover end???
The fire alarm went off at 3 am in the freshmen dorm. So guess which junior everyone now knows is hooking up with a freshman? This girl...
I'm all about sex. But even I know there will be a time to retire my junk. And that will be my 40th birthday, or whenever I'm hideous
I must be the strongest person who ever managed to get knocked down by a pug.
WEED IS MY SPIRIT ANIMAL
That one probably shouldn't have been in caps
I don't know if should be sitting on a toilet or kneeling in front of it
You had 10 drinks. On a first date.
I just masterbated then started bawling.
I just looked down and realized I was walking around in briefs and a ninja turtle shirt; and for a second, I thought I was 8 again... Weird...
We had sex on a dog bed..
If you ever feel goofy just think of the fact that I just shaved the batman symbol into my pubes
I feel like asking for a towel for after I puke before I puke to be more respectful than jus going outside to puke and coming back inside covered in sweat and tears.
You ripped my pants off and gave me the choice use it or lose it what was I suppose to do.
you had her IN YOUR BED NO PANTS AND YOU GAVE HER THW BOOT?!?!?!
Stage five clinger bro. had to go.
Like sometimes I’ll be hangry but for dick
Randomize
