I woke up in a house cuddled up with a beagle on a futon. have no idea who anyone is but they all call me stretch. yeaaahhh boiiiiii
you pissed in a zip-loc bag and wanted 60 dollars for it
i just saw a man pushing two thirtys of beers in a stroller while his little kid ran to keep up. father of the year
we went to the store to buy cookie dough and conditionally went straight towards the booze
At what point in time did you think it was ok to jizz in my hair while I slept??
Around the time you told me my brothers dick was bigger.
the doctor brought back painful memories by lecturing me about your teeth marks that are still on my dick.
shes laying on the floor in a bowl of salsa with her pants half off and she's crying... i dont know what to do...
you called me in the middle of the night, wandering the streets, in search of "the ultimate burrito"
Yea, I had a chaperone thankfully. I'm in the fetal position attempting to eat captain crunch now.
Guess who has got hockey tickets for tonight? Only cost me road head going to and coming from the game
Grandpa got a dui while riding a horse. This is what I need to live up to.
We need a bunch of roses, some chocolate, 2 cops, a mariachi band, and a thermometer
When I said I wanted you to make noise during sex, I didn't mean mocking ones.
69'd by candlelight when the power went out.
I remember turning to Jon after doing a line of coke and saying "I was a Girl Scout"
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