you turned on the Care Bears movie at 5am and kept screaming "I CARE"
So, when he came he screamed MORTAL KOMBAT!!!! at the top of his lungs and all of his roomates yelled back FINISH HER!!!!.....yeah kinda akward
hey as creepy as this sounds i still have your eyelashes on my desk
The handjob she gave me was better than the best blowjob I've ever gotten.. Just imagine the possibilities.
He's in bed with me right now. I'm wearing a towel and all I could wish for is my freedom. And pizza.
i think i left a case of beer in your dryer
He pissed on a police station. Then expected to not be arrested. Sounds accurate.
were facing impending death from north korea and were sitting here snorting tylenol to get high.....where did our lives go wrong?
I was drunk, he was taking a bodyshot while avoiding my piercing. I told him I loved him. He waited until I woke up with my hangover to say he loved me too. It was hangover magic.
When did it become normal to wake up in the middle of the night to take a group bathroom break and have a 10 minute discussion on where the next football game is?
Tomorrow's Mother's Day and the only thing I can afford is beer and the McDonalds dollar menu. Do you think a Budweiser and a Big Mac says thank you for me fucking up your life since 1990?
There should be a guide book that probation officers hand out on "how to tell a tinder girl about your ankle monitor before she notices it at the worst possible moment"
He literally poured blue Gatorade on me after we had sex and said "good game" all over my white sheets
Girl I'm contemplating picking up some adult diapers. That's how bad this is and it's only day 2.
where the fuck are you? she just tazed two people and we're tripping shrooms...successful first night in new apartment!
Randomize
