your all-time low pick up line was when you asked a girl "Are you rock-staring at me?"
we got 12 live crabs and then we got really stoned and know we're playing with the crabs. thats nom watermellon nom. now i'm plaing with a crap whos such a gentleman
Actually I think I might be dying right now so if I do you have to drink all my vodka
You're so demanding.
We shot off some fireworks at 12 and then I orchestrated the group singing of god bless the USA all while wearing a don't tread on me flag as a cape. I repped hard.
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Just picked up an ounce of keif and if it goes to waste before the world ends I'm gonna haunt the shit out of somebody when we all die.
I just saw a kid on iowa campus story that looked like the guy i made out with on spring break.
I need to you to send me drugs via FedEx
It's only ok to pee out the window in the afternoon when you're drunk.
Good to know. If our sexting moves past early 1900s vernacular, I'll be sure to use that once or twice.
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I'm taking the day off so I can get drunk at Whole Foods before noon
He was standing in the living room wearing a Donald Trump wig and looking very disappointed
I'm trying to find a place to hide weed in my mother in law's house...
Married life problems?
we've never stayed at a party for more than an hour. we always end up at a pizzaria. by ourselves. with no friends.
what else are best friends for?
The date did not go well. Turns out I once set her brother on fire.
I asked him if we were exclusive and he followed up with, "If a tree falls in the woods and no ones around, does it still make a sound?" Wtf am I supposed to do with that?!
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