I just pynch a tree in the face
On Saturday, I sharted on my roommates dog while trying to make it smell my farts. Today I got security clearance to work for one of the most respected and secretive govt agencies in the US
It's the American dream
The bars here don't close until 4!
my legs don't close until 4
I have been thinking about it and I am really glad we decided to order helmets.
Conclusion from last night: Sometimes being classy isn't as fun as making out with a guy on a pooltable in a bar. Happy birthday, Canada.
Please don't tell anyone I peed on your wall.
I just talked to a CEO of a fortune 500 company while pooping. I LOVE being self employed.
Dude I'm at a bar, and there's this Elvis impersonator here that I went to rehab with. Apparently Elvis has left the wagon.
I'm surprised I didn't lose anything last night. Except maybe my dignity but other than that we gucci.
So my parents just watched me pour their rum into a bottle and only add crystal light powder, no water... Talk about being judged. All I could say was "Cortland tricks?"
I'm too old for chlamydia. That's for 20 year olds who go to clubs and do drugs I've never heard of.
I think the blind guy i flirt with on a regular basis is starting to realize he's old enough to be my father. I can't tell if he's into it or not.
Well I've always wanted to get head while playing WoW...
K I'll do it, but mine is going to be WAY weirder. Your not allergic to shellfish, right?
Apparently the girl he banged in the bathroom yelled at him for hitting on me all night. But whatever, he was holding her hand for most of it
So learned a new trick last night.... Taking body shots from my own tits... Mom would be so proud
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