woke up and her hair clip was clamped around my shaft
My roommate got wasted last night and went to the 24 hour Bally's Total Fitness at 3 A.M. He got back took his shirt off, made a protein shake, puked, asked me if he was almost as jacked as Ronnie Coleman then called ME gay before I could say anything and went to bed
You were sitting at the bus stop holding hands with some Polish girl you just met, who was just as drunk as you were, and you kept trying to light your Kit Kat and smoke it.
he doesnt exactly give off the "im mature enough to use my penis" vibe
we found you in the closet, clutching coats that werent yours for stability
Ever find yourself wondering if your life is God's way of telling a joke?
I can't believe you're asking me to think of a sincere, creative way to apologize to your penis at 2 am.
But I wanna cuddle and just put my hand awkwardly close to your penis area by accident and look at you
Technically, I traded a soft pretzel for sex last night...
Yeah, he hid all the toilet paper and took a video of me looking for it before I shit my pants. Definitely playing that clip at our wedding.
You haven't lived until you've snorted coke from a Pharaoh's hand baby
Why did I wake up to a snap chat of myself drinking beer out of a blender?
I woke up naked and only wearing cowboy boots, wrapped in a curtain that was still attached to the pole
Jello shots and homoerotic movie scenes bingo?
...and with one comment dissing Hannibal Lecter, I suddenly understood why we never worked out.
Randomize
