Do you think if I drink bleach they will let me leave work?
why do they call them blowjobs? ....unless i'm doing it wrong?
She might as well just lie down with one of those red "Easy Buttons" next to her
my ex gf has sooo many hot friends... i feel like im at a grocery store when on her fb... just shopping around.
I drowning out her crying with songs from the Beatles it's good for us both. She relives her 30s and i dont have to hear her cry
So he just rolled over in his sleep and said "that's a punctuation mark..."
noo you weren't that drunk. you just knocked the grill over and couldn't get the key in the door, so you climbed through the window. success.
Well i'm not entirely sure considering he gave my vagina an early valentine's day card that said "you're purrfect."
There are apples in the microwave and a cup of twigs in the fridge. I think she's hiding in the pantry, I can hear her giggling. Leaving her to it.
there is something about beer and popsicles that make the world go round
Matt just ate a burger out of the trash can in front of the McDonalds. We need to have a serious talk about his drinking.
Actually, I may scrap this entire plan. I just realized that I had sex with a guy with his own whiskey commercial.
I know. I'm a saint. Saint of sitting on faces.
You make any dick jokes involving sushi and there WILL be consequences.
Sushi is fucking sacred in this house and I will kill you if you try and taint that.
A young (I'm going to guess late middle school age) kid shouted at me from the crosswalk GAS PUMP OF SHAME! I have peaked in life.
Randomize
