You don't need id to drink rum in an alley.
I have had it with that bitchy sack of crazy. Iam done!
Any day that starts with a call from my ex-bf... crying... is a good day.
You were scared that your teeth were shrinking so you stuck your fist in your mouth. then you were convinced your hand was growing cuz it got stuck so yu started crying
I should have kept drinking, a coma can't be as bad as this hangover
You high fived me for banging your sister but lock me outta house bc I ate your pumpkin pie? Priorities bro
After he came all he could say was how great the lighting fixtures where in my apartment.
Im sitting in church with a backpack full of beer bottles. This is friendship.
Your engaged. Stop telling guys you will sit on their face. They don't always know your kidding.
cocks speak louder than words, as they say
Nobody says that.
those kids just got delivered to the party by the pizza guy
My liver appreciates your vow of avoiding matrimony
Ran out of eye drops right after putting them in one eye. Half baked at work.
I am buying anal lube, an enema, and a bag of kit kats. What part of this is compelling the Walgreens woman to tell me to "be well".
Slap a cop in the butt for a felony charge. Check.
Randomize
