I just puked into a plastic bag at a red light. Go me.
I just rubbed my dick on something in your apartment. Can you guess what?
Fist pumping is hard when country music is playing FYI but I am committed
Obama is so hot when he ends wars.
I just realized my mom and I make the same noises when we have sex. Fuck.
he peed on his own floor last night after we left the bar. pretty much sums up how i feel about the evening
how did you know i stayed over last night?
there was a trail of glow sticks and cheetos from the front door all the way to his bedroom
I plan on showing these boobs to so many people that by the end of it ill just have a shirt of beads.
At one point during xmas dinner my whole family was double fisting. It was like thats how I learned to drink moment
why does CNN give a flying $@*# about the royal baby so, so much?
i hope they name him Joffrey
I'm pretty sure that our Lady and The Tramp Red Vine moment was the farthest I got last night
I want to show up to tomorrow's study group looking like I got hit by a train. A train made of dicks.
I'm just like... Utterly amazed that we're still alive at this point. Who'da thunk it....
Do you ever get so high you're like vibrating
Have you heard yourself have sex?
I'm not THAT loud...
My neighbors filed a noise complaint.
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