Note to self: When getting ready to leave with a kid in a wheelchair don't say Let's roll
feel weird hangin out with you now that i've eaten your sister out
i woke facing the corner with my computer and i had googled "how to put out a fire" i am so scared to turn around
Last night after the bar I went home and ate a pulled pork sandwich in a bubble bath
I CAN CONTROL MY GERBIL WITH MY BREATH. HE FOLLOWS THE SMELL. PROBABLY WOULDNT BE AS EXCITING IF I WASNT HIGH OFF MY ASS, BUT STILL
there's no way I could forget finding someone else's hand in my pants
It was so weird. She left to go to the bathroom and her older sister leaned towards me with a creepy smile and said, "You don't deserve her" and then continued to stare at me with a crazy expression for the rest of the evening.
That's kinky shit dude.
The cleaning lady even cleaned my bong. I'm scared to open my sex toy drawer and see if and how she organized it
On another note, I feel like my vagina is slowly being peeled off with a rusty potato peeler.
Just puked in my hallway. Good start to a great night
I bit my tongue so hard I left a deep imprint. Fuck you tongue, stop getting in the way of food.
Some girl woke me up at 1:30 am looking for weed and the next thing I know I'm in a hot tub with 3 girls, 2 40's, and a blunt.
My early Valentine's Day one night stand just took an uber home. Thank you, technology, for letting me enjoy this day in peace. 😍
And then she proceeded to tell us that blowing your brother made her feel like part of the family. At this point you were still pretending to be a cat. Need I give another reason she can't live with us?
He's the one named Andrew. In his profile picture he is the one on the right in the monkey costume.
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