Well I woke up with a note on me reading Dear Passed Out Girl, and ending with why I shouldn't drink so much. Damn Tequilla.
He doesn't like you, he likes u not having a gag relfex
i just remembered i chipped my tooth last night when i pulled up your pants zipper with my teeth
shes the kind of girl that would cock block endangered pandas
Just served breakfast to a bunch of hella drunk kids. They kidnapped the birthday boy for his 21st and he was wearing a disney onesy and bunny ears. They've been drinking since before dawn, why don't we have friends like that?
Glad to know I rate above a cabbage on the parenting scale.
It's 3 in the morning and there is a bird chirping it's head off outside. GOD DAMNIT THIS IS NOT A TIME TO SING OF YOUR CHEERFUL BIRD MERRIMENT YOU STUPID BIRD CUNT!
I got my first tattoo & injured myself while having sex in a national monument. I say we consider this weekend siezed.
It's amazing
I want to run hundreds of miles and do a whole semesters worth of homework while flying on a unicorn and throwing endless glitter bombs
He's drunk and I'm pain-killer high and we're about to watch fireworks at disney world. It's gonna be fucking magical
I gave the bike taxi guy a blowjob because I didn't have any cash. College.
THIS THING HATES MY LIVER
My professor just asked for my number. Not fucking her till after finals though I learned my lesson last time.
There's nothing like a guy talking about your vagina as if it's delicious food to make your day better.
Just so you know, I choose to answer your bootytext tonight because it was the most creative.
Randomize
