she's googling pictures of Freddy Mercury and whispering 'I'm ready'
so the good news is that i can't possibly burn my eyelashes off tonight at the bbq.
I'm like 87% sure some random guy starting biting my ear after grinding me for like 30 seconds... I feel suprisingly unconcerned
He refused to pierce my nipples, saying they are the best he's ever seen and that blemishing them would be a crime
Are you two whores ready for me to turn the light on so you can see what you came home with last night?
my roommate had a few special brownies and wrapped my purse and one of my shoes and left them under the tree for me...
God this is like a meg Ryan movie without the restaurant orgasms
You should frame my arrest warrant.
I have a knack for carnage and poetic language.
I wouldn't be able to live with myself if I blew a Trump supporter.
What should've been a 10 minute beer run turned into her having a 40 minute mental breakdown in my car while in the parking lot. She then asked if she could live at my house and be my girlfriend. Her finishing act was stealing my peanut m&m's.
Well, when a girl introduces herself as "stormy" and gets your number from her boyfriends phone, I'd say that your situation is to be expected.
Some days, I wish I could get a hug from a furry muppet
whoever decided snowing in 90 percent of campus on a night when the streets are flowing with tequila and skittles was clearly not an R.A.
The air tonight was full of shame when we saw each other.
Well if u wouldn't have had sex on the front porch last night I think that could have been avoided.
I don’t care that he’s a decade younger. He’s cute and I need a good penising
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