Repeat the weekend mantra. "I like boys with teeth, I need boys with teeth, I deserve boys with teeth, I will have boys with teeth".
I was preparing to do my walk of shame shirtless, but then I found my sweater, wallet and keys neatly piled under a tree in the park.
Wanna tell me why vodka seeped out of the memory foam when I climbed into my bed?
I realised my life had gone downhill since being unemployed when I was making key lime pie on acid at 3am Tuesday morning.
Is adulthood just morning sex and then walking through the grocery store 20 min later looking for something to take to work for lunch?
...and then running into your dad at said grocery store...
Boob shaped ice luge is ordered for my bday. Boom
I can't even drink.
The liquor comes out the nipples. Out. The. Nipples.
My dick looks like crazy bread
pics are now mandatory
I just told a bottle to be chill
and meant it
I mean I'm not saying I have my life together but I did just put nerds in a bottle of champagne and then drank from the bottle
There was nowhere else for me to go. I'm like the island of misfit toys but I'm hot.
Drunk within and hour of coming home from work, merry christmas bitch
Ugh I realized he only responds to my snaps when I’m eating a popsicle
Why are male brains so small?
This is the most aggressive rendition of that Proclaimers song I ever heard.
Actually I really wish that I was drinking so I could ask him for breakup sex and then later blame it on my alcoholic tendencies. Maybe tomorrow instead.
OH GOD IT TASTES LIKE IT SMELLS
Randomize
