I wish i could tell a story about guys I know without the phrase "and then I blew him." coming up.
maybe almost giving yourself a concussion counter acts a hangover
She bent the beer can with her tongue. I'm scared of what she'll do to me
You coming home soon, man?
HENBARSCLOSE
Im positive, your name was on my abdomen, Im pretty sure thats solid evidence
You are literally throwing a tangerine right now. Beer pong is not played this way
i made the walk of shame wearing her booty shorts that said juicy on the back. i'm still counting it as a good night
This couch is so comfortable I can tell if it's like a waterbed or I pissed myself
He was stoned laying on my bed singing I'm a little tea cup while I took a pregnancy test. Thank god it was negative.
Walking into my bedroom & smelling stale sex & disappointment isn't how I envisioned being 39, in case you were wondering.
Btw, remind me to tell you about how I had to cancel my crazy wild sex plans with Will b/c my roommate came back from his trip after a day b/c Canada wouldn't let him in. Fucking cockblock.
Actually that's the whole story. You don't have to remind me.
I got myself off in the shower last night for the first time ever! I just looked like I was playing a game of twister.
My sex life is driven by spite and alcohol
Can you explain to me why I showed my boobs to the firemen to get free beer?
I can't really text bc it's too expensive but I thought youd like to know I just shit myself in a gift shop.
Randomize
