My vag should have a twitter account. It would be like "destroyed another condom today".
My dealer's mom died on christmas eve. Is it too soon to see if he's holding?
I come back into the room and you're grinding with the person in the mascot suit.
We couldn't get our shit together to go to the bar, so we're getting drunk and facebook stalking all the girls who have gotten fat since high school. Any names you wanna throw out?
we went to the bar with our boss and you tried to play a song from the atm machine
Oh. My. God. Dad smoked a bowl. He's been playing cards...I just told a story and when I was done, he got really close to my face and very seriously asked me if he had cheese in his beard. I'm about to die.
Moral of the story is go have sex with a foreigner and report back to me.
The rest of the concert I just stared at the lights and didn't really listen to the music cuz I was trying to make sure my brain still worked cuz my face was numb and I couldn't move... Yeah I'm not a weed brownie person
just used my amazon order history to figure out my anniversary. I am the most epic/shittiest bf ever...
I'm on the toilet with no toilet paper. When are you coming over? I'm contemplating on just staying here until you arrive.
Sigh. I'll find the right guy one day.
Prince charming is right around the corner and will be freaky as shit!
My apologies. I'll try not to let my dick interfere with official work duties in the future.
WE JUST PASSED A FUCKING SPACE SHIP! NOT JOKING! A REAL FUCKING SPACE SHIP! THIS IS NOT THE DRUGS! SPACE! SHIP!
My books smell like weed. What does that tell you about my college experience?
Thumbs up
This is the third time I have overheard parents tell their children "don't be that girl" in reference to me. I'm either doing something horribly wrong or amazingly right
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