Woke up to 'distilleries' on the history channel. Proceded to vomit all over the floor. Back on the wagon today.
It was great. Even bought me breakfast in the AM
From?
Well, he didn't exactly take me out, but left a $20 on the table...
he actually said the words "do you want to pet the lizard?" with a straight face as he unzipped his pants
I was more concerned about the amount of mcdonalds fries on the floor around me than i was with my lack of clothes.
Cocaine Wednesdays have to stop turning into no work Thursday
We were having sex and his high flatmates stood outside his room playing the guitar and singing Somebody to Love by Justin Beiber. Weirdest night ever.
Do you think making a dress out of an "Open" flag that my friend stole from a bar, and wearing it out sends the wrong message? ....Or exactly the right message?
His arresting officer when they were busting up the squat party recognized him from the anti-drone protest. He was like Jesus kid, you were sober last time.
But in defense of this shit summer we've had, I totally perfected my shotgunning skills. I have achieved my summer goal.
HE STARTED HUMMING THE THEME TO STAR WARS!! WHILE I'M SUCKING HIS DICK!!
Now everytime I sit on a toilet I think about having sex with him. Great.
He then used a box cutter I keep in my car to open the plan b. Who says chivalry is dead?
I hooked up with a guy named Quan.. I literally hit the Quan
I'm making a will, in it I'm leaving you my skull.
If it makes you feel any better, I can't find the goldfish I dropped like five minutes ago.
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