Dude I just witnessed a midget touching himself and singing the chorus to somebodys watching me by michael jackson... it kinda turned me on
I just put anything in between my legs and hope for the best.
I just Organized my jello shots by their colors in my mini fridge for the rest of the week. I'm going places in life.
Okay you totally passed out. Ask me about the bike parking garage and the expired baby formula in the morning.
I don't think everyone found it as funny as I did... Nothing says "Party's Over" like the sound of a pump action shotgun.
I want "hickeys on my ass" sex
Nothing is working I'm going to die alone and on hold with a State Farm representative
When we pulled over so you could pee, you made us stand over you and "make a roof"
Ur wingman ability is causing serious doubt
Ok first off its WAY easier if you are actually here
I mean, except for the part where I was vomiting up pineapple and hot sauce, it was a really fun time.
I accused the cab driver of smoking weed in the taxi then I remember it was me.
She was totally amazed that i had the pizza delivery timed to coincide with our nooner and that the delivery boy knew where the broom closet on the 3rd floor was.
Like these jerks could have told me it wasn't a video call, I wouldn't have put on pants.
Last time I checked he was house sitting for his ex while she was out of town with some new dude. He was crying about how the guy told him to stay out of his whiskey while he was gone. That's whipped
My sinuses still burn from snorting red wine last night.
Randomize
