you're putting all your eggs in a very hungover basket
You know that hot fire fighter I fucked yesterday? Well him and two other guys are killing the fire on my stove. Awkward.
im eating kix cereal and taking shots by myself. please come hang out with me. im desperate
He is in the front yard trying to catch birds out of the air with a fishing net.
i was way too optimistic last night... got back to my apartment and the porch light was still on, like i'd actually make it all the way home.
You passed out in my bathroom last night. I put a towel over your face so I could shit without it being gay
i dont even mind you always shaving my pubes when i pass out, i'm starting to find it liberating.
Just saw a huge group of people walk by in there in their underwear. Too stoned for this.
Let us do this. Tomorrow night is thirsty Thursday. Let us drink whiskey from the bottle and have men in plastic gloves inscribe permanent images of each others faces onto our buttocks.
i woke up and found a picture of his grandma in my purse.. im a kelpto
Can't wait to bequeath this flannel to my grandchildren someday.
'I've been using this to pick up lesbians since before you were born!'
I look like a bag of dicks so if you could ugly yourself up that'd be great.
It's amazing the amount I can accomplish with a glass of wine in my hand.
Hey, don't blame me for the shitty evening; I wasn't the one who promised hookers, Dos Equis and foster kittens. Keith was.
Well I'm nervous now about the consequences of letting you loose
It's a big decision, I respect that you need to think about it.
Randomize
