After last night, I could never be a politician.
you called me at 4 am to tell me you found the cracker barrel location where we'll have lunch next week
dipping my christmas cookies in kaluha. santa would be proud.
It's gotten to the point where even copying off yahoo answers is still way too much work.
I was in holding with a guy that got a DUI on a hover round. He was so nice. We're hanging out tonight.
Just realized my talking to the tv hockey voice is same as my sex voice. Life just got a whole lot weirder.
Gave the kid in the wheelchair at the bus stop a beer and proceede to lift him on the bus. porch drinking brings out the best in everyone
There's two big trays of water in our freezer. I just hope they freeze by Saturday. for the ice luge.
its Wednesday...
they're reeeeeally big trays
Ripped lines in the bathroom before my presentation.. Got bonus marks for my enthusiasm.. This is why I love drugs
For public speaking we have to bring an object that describes us to class. Can't decide if I wanna bring a flask or a shot glass.
My new roommate just announced that she got her period, popped a percoset, smoked a bowl, and started playing a video game. She says she's not moving till it's over. New hero?
My car windows are covered in lube. Happy 4th of July!
my Mom is now my Eskimo sister... she fucked my ex in my bed and took a selfie
I’m gonna stop you right there. The last time you had a “brilliant” idea, I woke up to my kitchen covered in flour and a javelin through my tv.
what are you up to?
it's 8pm, i've already showered and gotten in bed. if you wanted to make plans u should have asked 3 months in advance
Randomize
