I have got to lose weight!! Apparently no one wants to fuck a fat chick with herpes.
I'm going to get drunk on champagne by myself.
Oh no wait my cat's here. Thank god for a second there I sounded really sad.
I remember asking you "need some dick tonite?"
Yeah I guess to me frat party equals penis party. oh the wonders of vodka.
Apparently I climbed into a dryer last night and refused to leave... There are pictures to prove it
They have an open bar at this baby shower. I was born to be Cuban.
he slapped my stomach and proclaimed it a baby-free zone
You did a jig for the bouncer when you saw him. Just reminding you.
He titled his birthday party on facebook, "BJ's in PJ's- an adult slumber party." I'm the only one invited.
Who replies to a drunk text at 6am that's like against the rules of being a designated drunk text receiver
I got turned off after he said, "i can see us in the future...me, you, and a back yard full of alpacas."
wow thanks for pushing me towards an older man
you gotta start somewhere if you're going to be a trophy wife
Ramen still too hot to eat. Eating it anyway. Stoner girls feel no pain
so I was eating out this girl who was wearing my pirate hat In an alley behind the bar last night and some girl walks up and takes a picture. apparently we had a crowd of about 10 and it turned her on so she just didn't tell me
Apparently 'ewww' is not the correct response to him saying he has to go to a funeral while I'm there.
Also fucking you night and morning and then serving your parents breakfast is a bit awkward. And funny. To me.
Randomize
