You think the Elephant Man ever tried to pick up chicks claiming all his appendages were elephant-sized?
Dude, you were so drunk last night that when we went into subway, you forgot the word for bread.
i wish every aspect of life was like a bar. flirt with the cute guy two feet across from you and get whatever you want for free
I just told my boyfriend I think I might be pregnant using Emoji icons....
which icon did you use to tell him he's not the father?
so the girl i've been sleeping with for 3 weeks now just figured out that i don't know her name
I can only get completely wasted and hungry two more times and then we're out of fritos.
begin the sex magic rocket ship countdown
We didn't want to make a pit stop so I just helped my husband pee in a bottle. No one told me this was part of love.
No it was good. I serenaded the holding cell occupants with a fabulous rendition of Making Love out of Nothing at all. It was fucking amazing!
Just had hot animal sex with the guy who had been sending me 10 second selfie snapchats for the past month
i need to un-sleep with a few of those brothers before we ever go back to that house again. i'm serious. i will not be a fraternity groupie.
sweet sixteen by hillary duff just came on and i feel like i let lizzie mcguire down for being such a stoner
I left him naked in his bed. I did cover his junk with a blanket in case his roommate walked in later though. so I don't feel as bad about it.
What happened last night? All I know is that I walked into class this morning and everyone was chanting my name.
cant one of your roommates drive you?
You came in my eye once. You owe me.
ill be there in 20
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