I'm at Lowes and I'm constantly looking for things to vomit in, just in case
I just sold my mom a dimebag. Should I feel scared or sucessful?
Spent 30 minutes in the board meeting trying to figure out where the foul smell was coming from. Thought it was the guy's feet sitting next to me. Then i uncrossed my legs. Turns out it was my vagina. Thank goodness for travel size febreeeze.
He needs to realize that there's a big difference between "I love you" and "I love your dick"
Theres a picture of you standing next to a John Wayne cardboard cutout that says dont drink and drive. your buddy is shirtless holding a beer and youre holding your keys up with marker on your face.
In need of cum proof mascara. Don't judge me.
She pulled vodka outta the dryer and told me to drink it
The straight guy here is hot. He described himself as Christian grey without the money and my vagina fell out of my body
damnit. I just found my cousin on tinder.
You told me that you were as fast as lightning and you wanted to race me. Then you faceplanted after falling down the stairs.
On another note; I'm three days away from being 1/12th of my way from not having sex for a year. I need to get laid.
I am going home. I have pee on my pants. Rachel is driving and I and drunk. It is not Rachels pee. It is my pee.
He just kept pissing on the couch as we were yelling at him while he repeatedly told us "its going to be okay".
Last night I tried to apply for a job at ihop. That drunk.
my night went from a boring school play to hotboxing a car with 3 criminals
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