John Mayer's mother should have swallowed him when she had the chance.
As in blowjob or cannibalism?
I was thinking blowjob, but either would've been a better idea than giving him a record deal.
I just found a 1/2 inch of mimosa in my shoe.
You should get more absorbent shoes.
She is sleeping in a dress because she's too drunk to put "real clothes" on
he literaly had industrial grade plastic underneth his blankets
Just found out for my occult lit class (history of cults) final project is making a spellbook. Hello last term of college.
when I picked him up he smelled like cheeseburgers, had a bite mark around his left nipple and we think someone stabbed him in the forehead with a pencil... it was like the Hangover meets Texas Chainsaw Massacre
how do i say, "my ex is going to be at this party so don't look like shit" without sounding like a bitch?
i made potato chips in weed oil. what did you do today?
the night ended with taco bell and tears
There's a woman at the bar holding a baby with one arm and doing shots of GM with the other. The baby is crying. I have lost faith in humanity.
Do you have any puffy paint? I want to put "fiesta muthafuckas" on my sombrero but its too much to bedazzle.
He didn't even realize I was drunk. He probably just thought I loved Torchwood so much that I no longer knew how to use my thumbs
I just went to cvs and bought condoms, handcuffs and a coloring book
Drunk purchased a negligee, plan b, keds and Himalayan salt shot glasses.. there’s only one reasonable purchase there, and we both know it’s not the sneakers
It was like a single vaginal boat in a sea of one eyed monsters
Randomize
