I walked into the bathroom and the toilet was on fire... I stood there for like a minute trying to decide whether I should put it out or get my camera.
I bought a zebra print bikini, I'm gonna be honest here- if he doesn't want to have sex with me in this, he's gay.
Chipotle chips and wine for breakfast. Its def game day
He just laughed at his drink laid on the floor and crawled to the bathroom
im drinking tequila tonight so will you babysit my bra?
Btw. Made out with a random kid at a frat. It's all good though. He invited us to his frat party tomorrow so yay! For having plans!
Just got shoved by an Elvis impersonator. Evidently it isn't cool to ask how much of a disappointment they are in the eyes of their parents.
Well it's like a wise man once told me: "If you're going to shave your balls, don't do it hungover."
I'm sorry if you weren't drunk enough to be peer pressured into the naked dancing/group make out that transpired last night
It's accurate though. I am legitimately passionate about pickles. I crave pickles the same way I crave sex. It is a deep rooted animalistic need
after you got high, you started to make guac with your bare hands and said: "there's soda bubbles in my legs"
pls come over. need ride to hospital once taquitos are ready
His condition for us having sex was that I wore my show boots. #equestrianproblems
So she was on top of my phone and somehow called my roommate while I banged her. I picked up and he congratulated me. I was with his sister. I will take this to my grave.
Also I know now I was meant to be a comedian. Had both arresting officers laughing.
Randomize
