haha omg you stole $185 from a passed out drunk indian on your porch and called the ambulance??
savin' lives aint cheap
Day two of taking my adderall. I just organized the pantry and alphabetized my dvds. I've missed my mind on drugs
im kinda looking forward to winter break. ive been away from home for so long i think i can trick my vagina into thinking that these arent the same people ive been hooking up with since high school...
I'm now at that point where it just feels natural to do a few shots of whisky with breakfast and then head to work
Well I found you sipping ron diaz out of a child's dinosaur cup while sticking your fingers in the guy's fish tank and watching the "pirahnas" snap at your finger and laughing
I like the odds of his and my children being professional athletes too. To support me in my old age, see I do think about the future.
whose ass print is on the piano?
That stripper was not happy when I tried putting a dollar in her court mandated ankle bracket/tracking device
Just do it. I grew some lady balls and did it last year. It's your turn. Time to show what you're made of. Hit it or quit it.
Im gonna go lick parts of my apartment. Good night and be ever vigilant, you never know when I'm coming to epoxy your hand to you nipple.
Our relationship is perfect
90% threatening to punch him in the dick 10% actual dickpunching
I HAVENT HAD A NICE A NICE DICK SINCE FEBRUARY!! I WANNA KEEP THIS ONE!!!
I literally just woke up in a dog bed, in a bathtub in someone else's house...and I'm not wearing pants
Say whatever the fuck you want about me, but leave my deceased cat out of it.
They have one of those claw machines here... with a dildo in it...
Randomize
