my throat hurts so bad i feel like i just gave head to a cactus.
Don't go all Obama on me. George Bush this decision and just do it. Thinking's for the morning after
He wanted me to blow him while he was playing guitar hero. there will not be a second date
Okay so if I'm going to keep referring to my hangover in the third person it needs a name.
Your drunken mistake is coming over to see if she wants to buy any of our furniture. I know youre desperate, but try not to fuck her, without a condom, for a fourth time, while shes there.
wait do you know what youre gonna say if they ask how youre getting back?
yes. helicopter.
i lnow ive slrrwsdy teted you this. but goddamn girl on tv is a good song
When did you hit me on the head with a stool?
you came out with your cock in between the legs of a balloon animal. Maybe she'll think you have a sense of humor.
What kind of balloon animal was it?
just cuz theres a goalie doesnt mean i cant commandeer the goal and become a way better goalie
thanks for not telling him i named my trumpet after his dick
He couldn't get his dick hard. So he started yelling at it. " EVERYONE is laughing at you, you piece of shit no wonder you can't get pussy" i wonder if that happens frequently I'll try again next weekend
Dude I was tripping acid when she was crying and I literally couldn't defend myself
Crying while I'm pooping. I think this is rock bottom
Pillow talk was a high five, this morning she made dinosaur muffins for the house. I love chapel hill
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