I see an opportunity for you to use your nakedness to cure my boredom.
she was pretty much dry humping my leg when her boyfriend walked in. he says "you should probably leave." all i could come up with was "YEAH, I KNOW!"
can we please take bets on how much therapy you'll need in the future?
Just replaced the batteries in my vibrator without turning on the lights. I need to get laid.
I just want to let you know how hung over I am today and I fucked a girl in a kangaroo costume last night.
I'm gonna call it the Reunion Tour. Hooked up with two different ex girlfriends in one day...
you said "this ones for the homies" and proceeded to pour the shot into your other cup instead of the ground b/c "good liquor is not meant to wasted no matter the circumstances"
I love 4am trips to the ER. I feel so responsible for actually making it all the way here.
It was one of those mornings when I wake up and feel like I have to say sorry to the whole world
We had sex on his grandparents floor... the taxidermy deer was staring at me the whole time!
he really is such a sweet guy. it’s a shame i have to break his heart.
I spent two entire hours explaining to a guy why I wouldn't make out with him. How was your night?
I want a dick in my left hand and a Crunch Wrap Supreme in my right hand.
Could someone explain to me why there were 40 individually wrapped burritos in the fridge when I woke up this morning?
I woke up while she was taking a panoramic photo of my morning wood
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