im pretty sure vibrators are the best invention since dinosaur chicken nuggets
A friday without alcohol is hardly a friday at all
He asked if I wanted to blow his flute? Please call me and pretend there is a family emergency!!!
Scored tix to flower show. Do we want to go drunk on Saturday or hungover on Sunday? Only two options.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
There was a note in my hello kitty underwear telling me "don't go over 9000"
Me focusing on not shitting my pants is keeping me awake.
It's just weird. It's like Big Bird dating Meg Griffin.
I should've been more social I guess. I feel bad not meeting the people who willingly sucked alcohol out of my navel...
We called dibs on each other's genitals. That bond is unbreakable.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I think my body is a cloud. This mixture of things is heavenly. Dare was wrong, drugs are awesome.
Just woke up and spent the first hour of consciousness throwing up with the Rocky theme song on repeat.
I haven't had a bra on since I quit my job.
I wrote a pretty good eulogy, too. Motherfucker pastor had no sense of comedic timing.
He's on the porch naked. Help.
My drug dealer just told me goodnight...I still don't know his name. But I guess you can say we've moved to the next step.
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